This Whole Being Adult Thing is Difficult Alone

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This post is about how the last 2 years have been the most fucked up of my entire life. I'm not going after any keyword. I'm not being adult.

being adultSo I usually write geek tutorials or tales with a twist of the macabre, but today I needed to do a little soul purging. I was watching a recent episode of Maron and it struck a very familiar chord in me and I felt the need to unburden myself about things that have been troubling me for quite a while now.

To say the last year; rather the last 2 years were a kick in the teeth would be an enormous injustice to the reality and severity of my situation. To say the last 2 years were a Bataan Death March of misery and hurt are closer to the truth. CALL ME ON HYPERBOLE YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!! I’LL GO TIT FOR TAT!

The last 2 years of my existence have been the roughest stretch of road to date on the one time trip around the big blue marble. So before you judge me Twitter let me set the stage proper so when you tag me #whiningpussy I’ll have a bit of credibility.

In the time it’s taken the earth to travel twice around the sun in my life there has been in no particular order death, cancer, divorce, separation, court dates, suicide attempts, job loss, family breakups, more cancer, theft, lies, hospitals, even more cancer, even more lies, more hospitals, horror and loss and more loss and more unimaginable loss.

2014 Can Suck It

2014-fuAfter leaving my SEO manager position I took a job with a marketing company that I won’t name here, because they were massive piles of shit. 4 months went by while learning new code and toiling all hours of the day, night, and weekends they let me go. They literally waited for me to solve one last troubling scripting issue with 2 sales guys perched like vultures over my shoulder verifying that the fix worked with their counterparts in China. 5 minutes later I got a phone call from my placement company. I knew what it meant.

The real proverbial shit hit the fan in 2014 when I was let go from my job with a major healthcare insurance company. I got a call from a friend and fellow employee saying “Did you get the call?”. At the beginning of January, there was massive layoffs which did include yours truly. Luckily within 2 weeks I acquired a job that I was in no way qualified for but took it because the pay was good and it was close to home.

At this time, my relationship was rapidly falling apart. I desperately tried to hold onto a shred of what we had. I wanted to right wrongs to keep our family together. After 4 months I was let go from the position I was in no way qualified for and I moved into the basement with the hopes that things would get better eventually.

When things didn’t get better eventually, inevitably

I moved in with a good friend. I was beside myself. I was lost. I wasn’t myself. I’d essentially lost my family. I lost the most important people in my world my girls. I lost seeing the most important people in my life every day. To that date, I’d maybe gone 2 days without seeing them. That turned into weeks while I was in transition into my new Hell.

Now I was living in a child’s room sweating on a bunk bed. About 2 months after moving in I got a great job which I still hold today. I’d been working for about a month before my grandmother died. She was a great woman, a rock. I still miss her and my grandfather who died in 1985. They were important and influential to me growing up.

Eventually, my friends worse half got tired of me staying with them so I was kicked out once again. I don’t blame her. I was fit to be tied. I was alone. Really alone like never before. I was a man without a family and it didn’t sit well with me.

My friend and that monster are now divorced. Hallelujah! I don’t forgive her for stealing my tools, family heirlooms and more importantly, most importantly my therapy, my rock, my island. My Specialized Rock Hopper. I cried when I lost my bike. To her brother who is probably riding that now “I SINCERELY HOPE YOU CASTRATE YOURSELF ON IT!”

The following jargon is in no way adult speak. It is, however, an example of an exposed nerve. It’s a salty tongue that can’t stop poking at the infected toof. Take it with a grain of salt or don’t. I have no apologies for B.S. FUCK P.C.

By the way, I hope you and your mom share a space in Hell where your livers are chewed out daily by a jagged-toothed HEP D Griffin in the form of a toothless, feening, Crack addict only to be regrown for the following day more inflamed to repeat the same bit of Hell for all eternity.

Second thought… you’re both your own worst enemies. You deranged fucks deserve each other. I hope a long life for you both. I hope you withstand disease and pestilence for many, many years. Please share this long distance dedication with your so called “Mom”, from the very bottom of my blackened heart.

I lived in my car for a couple months in the summer time. I stayed with my parents when I had my girls. Eventually, I was offered a place from an honest to God angel and started piecing together the shards of my shattered life. I started working for an awesome automotive company and things got better…for a minute.

Fuck You Too 2015

2015-fuI’m going to keep this brief as I don’t want to out anyone, but this is where the horrors kept on keeping on. 3 members of my family were diagnosed with cancer. There was a suicide attempt, trips to multiple hospitals and institutions, and divorce. I still don’t feel comfortable answering my phone because I’m not sure who’s going to be on the other end delivering who knows what.

It can’t get any worse? Resolutions for a New Year

All horribleness aside I feel hopeful for a new year. I’m not a fan of resolutions, but I do have a few myself this year. I resolve that this year will be a lot better than the last…2. I’m going to work hard on being a better me. I’m going to try and let the past go and move on. Aside from the…everything, I’m going to press on. I’m going to focus on the positives that I have and build on them. I’m going to stop being my own worst enemy and instead embrace my strengths.

With all the nonsense the world throws at me, you, everybody I will be a rock for the most important people in my life. MY GIRLS. They are my rock and I will be the best dad and person I can for them.

You tried hard, but you haven’t beaten me yet Life. This is my middle finger flying high at your attempts to squelch my flame. I’m still alive. Screw you great abyss I’m not going down easy. You’ll take me one day, but not without scars, bruises, blood and broken bones.

Not sorry about the Catharsis

I know this is a very non-adult thing to say, but it’s vitriol inspired by hard times. It’s been a really weird ride for quite some time now. I am not at all apologetic about anything on this post. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not a train. I just needed to set down a few bricks I’ve been carrying around. It’s been making it hard to swim.

And now a few parting salvos.

Nobody Told Me

I’m Still Alive


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