I Wish I Could Have Saved You

Play >

I’m sorry. This is so hard to say. Please take it with a grain of salt. I did/do love my mom.

She made things very hard for…us….You know who you are.

I need to go back and clarify. My mom was a “not so” closeted alcoholic. We lived with years of lies as one does when dealing with this disease. There are so many things that happened on almost a daily basis that I would have to write a book to document them all.

I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!

Before I get started with this I have to post a disclaimer. My mom was awesome when she was my mom and for the majority of life she was. It wasn’t until later in life that I ever even saw her drink. She just did a lot of catching up in a short time. There was about a decade and a half of dealing with rather than being with my mom. It’s with a heavy heart that I write this. My mom made me Halloween costumes, was my scout leader and made baked goods for everything I ever went to in grade school.

She was funny, she was self deprecating, she was god-fearing, she was kind, she was thoughtful, but she was also human. People loved mom. And there was a lot to love.

I write this as a catharsis. A way to hopefully let go. Maybe take some of this weight. No one knows how hard it was or how long this went on for so many of us.

We were all back and forth with her for many years. She was very much loved, but very much a handful…to put it lightly. This is a short synopsis of the last days of Mom’s life.

Rewind to 2015

I was roughly a year in at Chrysler. I was graciously living in a 2 bedroom apartment after a long struggle to get my life back after a break up with the mother of my children, when my mom asked to come stay with me for a little bit. It was close quarters, but I said yes. She’s was my mom what was I supposed to do?

Short story long, after one particularly long day I came home to my mom passed out on a couch with a nearly empty fifth of Smirnoff Vodka sitting beside her.

I just couldn’t take it and I left to go see a friend to tune out for a bit. As soon as I got to her house I got a call from my landlord saying there were fire trucks, police and paramedics gathering outside. Mom had apparently called in a suicide attempt. Not her first. She said she was going to jump out the third story window of my building.

When I finally got to the hospital where she was restrained to a bed so as not to end her life, I found her angry wondering why I had shown up at all.

Fast Forward to Halloween 2018

I’d just gotten back from work at about 4pm getting ready to take my daughter out for trick or treating. I was putting on my costume when I heard the doorbell ring. It was 4. I thought the kids are coming early this year. I paid it no mind. When it rang again I checked my ring doorbell cam to see an ambulance and 2 paramedics at my door. I came down and asked, “Is everyone ok?”.

She had crashed her car for the second time in one month. This comes on the heels of her splitting her head and bleeding all over the wall of her bedroom in an unconfirmed injury. I didn’t want my kids to see their grandma like this. I told her not even 30 days before that If this happened again I would have to kick her out. And I did. One of the saddest days of my life. I had to tell my mom to leave the house. I didn’t want to.

This unfortunately, was a pattern that was due to repeat itself as it had preceded itself. Like I said, she was problematic to a lot of us for a long time.

September 06, 2023: Just before softball

The last time I talked to mom when she was coherent and in good spirits. She was transitioning to a nursing home after transitioning to a senior living facility after transitioning from my home that I had to kick her out of. Another story for another time.

Mom seemed happy the last time I saw her at the senior care facility. I told her about my daughter’s softball season. She had a sense of humor and we laughed about nonsense while sitting outside in the veranda. She was Mom as Mom was. It was nice. I left happy and feeling generally good about the whole situation.

September 11, 2023: Mom Unresponsive – Admitted to St. Joes – Day 1

I got a call that mom had been sent to the hospital for routine blood work. When she was to be returned to her residence she was unresponsive. She was absent and in turn admitted to the hospital.

Uncannily, the same day; I received a phone call that my mom was admitted to St. Joes a hospital she’d been in many time before that she would never leave again. She was transitioning to a retirement center and was sent for routine blood work and became unresponsive upon arrival. On the same day that I was cursing life I rushed to St Joes where my mom was now taking residence.

September 12, 2023: Mom Displays Dementia-like Behavior – Week 1 – Day 2

Mom was talking about how she might wind up in a hospital, while she was already in a hospital that she’d been in many times before. It was now that she seemed more in the throws of dementia than I had ever seen her before. She was unaware of her surroundings and wasn’t quite sure who she was talking to.

I left my brother who had flown in from Oregon to be with my mom and my sister so I could go get cleaned up. In this time Mom had a moment of clarity where she asked them to let her go. She sat up after speaking nothing but gibberish the entire time I had been there and asked them to let her go.

September 16, 2023: Palliative Care – Week 1 – Day 6

My sister, brother and I spent time speaking to the palliative care specialists about what our next steps with mom may be. We went back and forth about the pros and cons and let me say this is not a decision that came lightly. We were told that this was likely Mom’s new normal.

For those of you who do not know, “Palliative Care“, is specialized medical care for people living with a serious illness, such as cancer or heart failure. Basically, what this means is they give you drugs when the rubber is worn off of the tires of life. They give you meds to feel no pain when you’re on your way out.

September 23, 2023: Week 2 – Day 13 – Mom Dies

I was with mom when she died. I was with my aunt Lori, my uncle Fred’s wife. Mom was in pain. We asked the palliative care nurse to give her something to keep her from winching. I was talking to my aunt while mom breathed her last breath. A nurse likely in her mid 20’s came in and announced her death.

Amongst the babies being born on the 6th floor of the same hospital my mom died quietly. She was in hospice in palliative care and was administered drugs to ease her pain. I was in her room with my aunt and a very young nurse who delivered the news that mom was gone.

October 21, 2023: The Funeral

Mom’s friends and relatives were there. I sat in the front row with my daughter Tori and brother Jono. Kind words were said. Stories were told. Mom was laid to rest in a tiny box after her cremation. I’m so sorry Mom. You should still be here. I miss you.